Throughout the years my husband Everette and I have learned a great deal about this problem. Some things were learned from life experience, others from training in counseling and college. We try to stay abreast of research in the areas of counseling and psychology. Yet we try to base everything we do, including application of information, on the Bible.

The most important factor in a woman’s life, one that affects her entire future, is her relationship with her father. If the father was abusive and controlling, then the likelihood of choosing a mate similar to the father is higher. If the father was absent, many times a woman will spend her life looking for that father figure. This goes beyond just our natural fathers. It goes to God and how we view Him in relation to our view of our earthly father.

• Sexual Abuse by Father or Father Figure
• Absent Father
• Verbally Abusive Father
• Mentally and Emotionally Abusive Father
• Overly Controlling Father
• Alcoholic Father (and or drug abuser)

Sexual Abuse by Father or Father Figure

When the issue in a woman’s past is sexual abuse by the father or father figure it causes deep emotional, mental and spiritual wounds. These wounds create a fertile ground for planting harmful relationships. Often the memories of abuse are buried for years, a painful secret that lays, apparently, dormant for possibly decades. However, these memories can, and usually do, cause choices of partners to be unhealthy and even irrational.

How can I say this? I know, because a VERY close member of my immediate family sexually abused me for years. I hesitate to say whom, since this person is still living. Yet he knows, I know, and my husband knows about the abuse. It has caused me to make terrible choices in my life. Ones that are still affecting my children and me today. This is a deep and troubling story…difficult to face….equally difficult to deal with.

For many years I lived with the promise I made to myself that “No man will ever control me again.” This promise affected my relationships with men, but mostly it affected my relationship with God. How could I possibly trust God when He is a male…after all, man was created in His image, right? So, if man was created in God’s image, and man is a hurtful and abusive creature, someone not to be trusted, then how could I possibly trust God and believe what He says to be true. Not only that, how can I accept God’s love when the only love I was shown by a man, when I was a child, was of a sexual nature. God isn’t a sexual being in the sense of physical sensuality, so how does one resolve this. Additionally, if love means sex, then how can I love some male person, God or otherwise, who I can’t have sex with? Really, this is how my mind was working.

It has taken much prayer and many long talks with my husband, and several failed attempts at counseling, to learn to separate the behavior of man from the truth and will of God. And yet, some problems linger. For example: If this abuser taught me by his actions that love meant sex, how do I handle it when I find TRUE love. Does it mean that I shouldn’t have sex with my life mate? If true love doesn’t mean sex….we shouldn’t HAVE to have sex. Right?

Wrong.

This has been my latest problem. It isn’t that sex is wrong, or that I don’t find my husband attractive. It isn’t even that we don’t, you know, have a sexual relationship. It is that in the back of my mind is the thought that if my husband really loved me then he shouldn’t want or need sex….after all, God really loves me and He doesn’t. Can you see how the thinking and logic becomes twisted?

Look, I am being completely honest with you. I am telling you my most personal thoughts. I know there are other women who feel the same way. Either they have come to the same conclusion or they have become promiscuous or gay, or, some other dysfunction that is not God’s plan for us.

What God’s word says this about husbands and wives:

I am not going to go into the wives submitting to your husbands’ part right now. I want to look at the part about husbands and what it means when the husband (and father) does not follow God’s word in his life.

The husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church….

If Christ loves the church, which he does, since He gave His life for us and we are the church….then the husband should love the wife as Christ does the church, giving his life for her. Empowering her as Christ empowers us by the Holy Sprit. Not using or abusing his power to cause “submission” or harm. Submission is mutual….it means to give in to one another. Not to bow down to the one in control. So, in that light, husbands are to submit to their wives, too, in the sense that they consider her preferences in all things….for a wife is a helpmeet, not a slave.This is where many men have gone wrong.

And those abusive fathers? How does this relate to them? Besides the obvious sexual sin, there is the lack of caring, lack of love, lack of submission on the part of the abusive father. He has not viewed his wife as Christ would view the church. So, he has committed adultery against his wife and marriage by sexually abusing his son or daughter. Verse 28 says the husband “...out to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” Yet how many of these abusive fathers injure themselves by drinking or other means. Not to mention the sins and not looking forward to eternity with God.

Now, the first scripture I put into this piece was about the sins of the fathers “.. visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me..” When the father rejects God, when he refuses to accept the laws of God, and when he makes for himself the idol of sexual pleasure, then God allows the curse to come upon the family. The curse can only be broken by salvation through Jesus Christ. Either the father must be saved, which will eventually release the family from the curse. Or one of the children must be saved, which releases them and future generations from the curse.

That is why so many of us suffer so much from the sins our parents committed against us and just in their lives in general. When they hurt us, especially in an abusive way, we take upon us the curse of that iniquity, until our own salvation. Now, salvation does not usually wipe away every problem we have. Sometimes the healing takes years. Why? Because we hold on to the past. If we are able to give it up to God at the time of our redemption, then ALL things are made new. Unfortunately, we, being the humans we are, want to keep some of that stuff for ourselves. That is why you see a person on occasion saved in a miraculous and completely life changing way. They have been able to give up much of their past hurts and behaviors to the Lord.

CLICK HERE FOR THE PRAYER OF SALVATION

Another thing I do it to just say, “Lord, I give this (person, situation, problem) to You, and ask that You deal with it in any way You see fit. For I want Your will, oh Lord, not mine. And I know Your will is the best for all concerned.”

Then, there is the box and shelf. I put the problem in an imaginary box. I close the box and put it on a shelf. This shelf is God’s shelf, and it is the place I put all the things I can’t or shouldn’t handle myself. I tell God, “Here is another box of problems for You.” Then I walk away from it, leaving it in His hands. Sometimes I take a box off the shelf and open it up. I do that when I want control, or when it is time to deal with the problem myself for a while. God usually lets me know it is time. If it is because I want control, then I try to deal with the problem for a while. Soon I will be frustrated or give up or make it worse, and then I must give it back to God. He really doesn’t seem to mind so much, because He knows our weaknesses and He knows we are human. He doesn’t expect perfection from us, just that we love Him and want His will.

OK, let’s move on to another in our list of types of negative fathers.

Absent Father

The absent father creates a whole different set of problems and views. For instance, if my father isn’t or hasn’t been there for me, then how can Father God be there for me? And the same logic as with the abusive father come into play: Man was created in God’s image, if that is so and man (father) isn’t here for me, then how can God be here for me. It is an error in thinking, but it is common. Additionally, it makes it so much more difficult to have a relationship with a man as an adult when you never had one with a man as a child. What is a father/husband supposed to be like? How am I to relate to this man/husband/father? Should I be a child and him a father figure? Or should I be an independent woman who needs no one? Or, _____________________ . (You fill in the blank)

We have four daughters at home. Three of them have lived a number of years without close contact with their father. Here is how:

My husband and his first wife adopted two daughters. They divorced and he let her be the custodial parent. The ex-wife used the girls as pawns in a big game of control. Then, about 5 years after my husband and I married, we moved to Oklahoma. That ended the every other weekend visitations. So the girls were left with very limited contact with their dad. A couple of months ago the X sent one of the girls to live with us. Then a little later, sent the other. Neither girl knew how to relate to their dad. And, on top of that there is the “biological father” problem in the background.

One of the other daughters is from my second marriage. Her father is not American and doesn’t have any contact with her at all since she was three. Everette and I, my current husband (and best!) have been married for almost 10 years. This daughter would never accept him no matter what he did. Now, Everette loves all of his children so much, both his, mine and ours. Yet for this girl, nothing mattered. All she could do was dwell on the absence of her biological father. This has caused terrible problems for us as a family. She had to be sent out of the home at age 15 and was gone for 2 years. She is home now, just in the last month, too, and is adjusting to family life again.

All three of these girls have spent a lot of time seeking boyfriends. The boys are generally not nice ones, playing mind and emotional games with them and so on. They have chosen bad relationships and jumped from guy to guy. Each gets hurt over and over; each chooses boys that are just as bad or worse than the last. So, in order to enable the girls to heal and learn how to choose better relationships, we have stopped the boyfriend business. That isn’t easy since they are 15, 17 and 17. I don’t know how long we can hold out, but we have explained the necessity of them making a good relationship with their dad so they will know how to have a good relationship with a boyfriend, then husband later. Surprisingly, they agree! And now my husband spends time with each girl individually and as a group. He does this with just them, so there will be no competition for his attentions from me or our little one (She is the only one who has grown up with her dad from birth.)

The relationship one has with the father impacts every other relationship one has with a man, including God! Only God’s saving grace through Jesus Christ can heal and change the way one looks at those earthly relationships. None of this is easy. One thing you can do if you had an absent father and are having problems in your relationships is to sit down, by yourself, and look seriously at how you view God and Jesus. If you find that you kind of see God as far away and inaccessible, then you are transferring your opinion of your natural father to Him. You must realize that unlike your earthly father, God is perfect in every way.

CLICK HERE FOR THE PRAYER OF SALVATION

Being saved gives us so much power over evil in our lives, and it enables us to receive the Holy Spirit who will lead us and guide us into all righteousness. Only in that way can we really be free.

God isn’t like your earthly father at all. He is better than any perfect father you could imagine. He loves us and protects us, heals us and comforts us. There is no other like Him. There is no answer but Him. Remember, though, no one comes to the Father except by Jesus.

Verbally Abusive Father and
the Mentally and Emotionally Abusive Father

I am discussing these types of negative fathers together, since the outcome for women is much the same. A father who is verbally abusive is usually mentally and emotionally abusive, too. How can someone cut you down verbally and not affect you mentally and emotionally? Also, this kind of abuse wounds the spirit within you. Again, the spirit cannot heal without Jesus Christ. You can try all the self-help books, tapes, videos and seminars in the world. But there is really only one answer. Those things might help you on the surface for a short time, but in the long run all the negative behaviors and thoughts will come out. They are always lurking in the background waiting for you to become vulnerable. And, besides, even if you exercised incredible self-control there is always the question of your eternal soul!

An abusive father of the kind described above destroys self-esteem. He makes his family feel small and insignificant in order to make himself feel more powerful and in control. You can be sure that he came from an abusive home himself, which is usually true of all of the negative fathers. Again, the sins of the fathers….

You can also be sure this is a very unhappy man, a man who is determined that no one else will be happy either. He will do and say anything he can to wear you down and make you too weak to stand up to him. And, woe to you if you did, because this kind of father can become physically abusive in an instant!

Do you feel you have no value? Have your relationships been with men who are mean to you and make you feel worthless? Are those men ones who are selfish and want their own way with no regard for your feelings? Are they the kind of man who will strike you without warning? Have you struggled with fear and all sorts of phobias your whole life? (The other kinds of abuse can cause these symptoms, too.) Have the men you are with left you, one after the other, for another woman? Do you not care about your appearance? Have you let yourself go since no one would want you anyway? (Sexually abused women often do this to keep from being attractive to men, it is often sub-conscious)

Now, take some time and read over Psalm 139. Think about what it means. Think about how He formed you from nothing. Think about how He knew you before you were created and knew even the number of days you would live. Consider His unending love for you. Jesus loves you, too, so much so that He died a horrible death on the cross. God loves you so much that He resurrected Jesus and caused a controversy that rages on til this day!

You can be healed from the hurts of the past. You can regain your self-esteem. You can do it in the Name of Jesus! It is the only way! It is the best way!

Overly Controlling Father

The overly controlling father is one who forces you to do things you just know are not right for you or perhaps morally wrong. He is the one who must set the schedule for everyone in the family. Everything must be done according to his rules and regulations. There is no room for discussion or compromise. If you break the rules you suffer, that is all, plain and simple. This kind of father may also be abusive physically and emotionally and verbally. He can create a child who is just like him, or create one who chooses men just like him. Or, you may have gone the other way and totally lack control in your life. Maybe you are looking for a man to control your life so you don’t have to, since your dad never let you and you never learned how to make decsions on your own.

Replacing one controlling person with another is common. Yet, inside you feel empty and fearful of making a mistake. You may also feel that you have no choice but to do what they want, secretly yearning for freedom. Yet, the reality of having to make your own choices may be too much for you.

God can help you with this problem for He has given us freedom in Christ Jesus!

But NOTHING can be changed without the commitment to Christ. So that is the starting point.

CLICK HERE FOR THE PRAYER OF SALVATION

Alcoholic Father (and or drug abuser)

I will deal with this subject at a later time as it is the most complicated. Please check back for updates.